Dealing with the death of someone close to you is never easy. That feeling of mourning you feel for one person is intense. When you couple that with the feelings of loss for others, it can be compounded. And it can be a feeling that you begin to believe can not be overcome.
I have reached that point with this. I am at a point in my life - 35 (almost freaking 36 years-old) where I realize that we don't all stay here forever. A feeling of the innocence of youth has left me. It is a sad reality.
Yet at the same time I am surrounded by the most comforting and strong youthful bond a person could have. I have a son that is giving me joy, if not daily... by the hour and minute. The things he does, the little sounds he makes. The joy Aidan feels when he presses the button in the garage and the door lifts like magic. It is completely wonderful and joyous. Yet down inside of myself it can be hollow.
I know that one day Aidan will be 35 (almost freaking 36). He will certainly go through the same kind of pain. Maybe with me or (high power forbid) his mother. It hurts me to even imagine that kind of pain for him. Life is so painful. So beautiful in one breath, so sorrowful in the next.
When you take a minute to examine what is really happening on this 3rd rock from the sun... this rotating, revolving mass of amazing science and art... your head really begins rotating and revolving itself. How is it that us humans can feel, sense, and endure such beauty and such sadness everyday?
I guess we cope by leaning on each other and on the memories. But, that's all it is - coping. I don't know if I will ever truly heal from the passing of friends, family, my dearest mother-in-law, my father.
Tonight I got an email with a picture of my Dad's urn. It is a beautiful box. I was immediately filled with grief. But, after the tears faded I realized how beautiful it is. A few thoughts hit me as I responded to the email:
I guess it is almost like going to someone's gravesite in a way. I have not had the chance to spend time with the thought that his remains are in that box.I miss him so much.
It is beautiful though. It really is. The birds are just fantastic. He would really love it. And I am sure his soul does.
To be honest, when Norma and I looked up info on cremation we realized that all that is really left in that box is the fragments of bone. Everything else is really gone when they are finished with the process. But, it makes me feel better - even so. Just knowing that a part of him is in there and he is there for you and the family to see and remember... it makes me feel a little better.
Having a gravesite off on a hill somewhere where people will eventually forget you seems mundane in the end. This seems much more important to me. He can go with family. His memory can be passed down through generations. I hope that my words about him on my blog will be as well. For Aidan and for his children and their children.
){kind=link}