Today was definitely one of the hardest days of teaching I have ever experienced. It started with an emergency faculty meeting to get everyone on the same page regarding the death of one of my students. School-wide we were on crisis alert for the kids. When I got back to my classroom a substitute was there to explain to me that if I needed any help today to give the office a call. She was on duty all day for me in case I needed her.
I was probably a little rude to her and I chased her down at lunch and apologized. But, I was bound and determined to do my job today, regardless of how difficult it was. I told her, "I'm sorry but I won't be needing you today. My place is in my classroom for my kids." She understood later when I talked with her.
Facing my first period was very difficult with Zach's empty desk in the back of the classroom. It was like a constant reminder that he is no longer with us. All of my other students were there and on time (for a change). It was a somber mood. The head counselor came down and spent the first 20 minutes with me. We talked to the kids about Zach and opened it up for questions and comments. The kids were very open and it helped.
I got emotional a couple of times, shed a few tears. But, it went well. I postponed our test for today until next class. And we played a Powerpoint Jeopardy review game to prepare. That went very well. As soon as we got off the subject of Zach's passing and onto learning it helped. But, it is a delicate process and moving on too quickly would have been bad as well.
Second and third periods were also difficult... but it got easier each period. There were always 6-10 white t'shirts in my class with Zach's name on it and messages. The kids were wearing them all over the school. It was nice to see them united and all trying to focus on positive thoughts.
The community really came together in a time of crisis. It is amazing how great people can be when their feet are to the fire. Reminded me a little (in a small way) of how everyone responded to 911. Emotions were on everyone's sleeve.
Tonight was the viewing and I attended. It was well done. As well as something like this could be done. I cried a lot, especially afterwards in the car by myself. But, I feel relieved now that I have made my peace and paid my respects to his family. I am also glad my students saw me there. I gave out many handshakes and hugs.
Many students look older to me now. Looking through old pictures that I took of last semester, there is a definite maturation process that always occurs. But, in the past week it has accelerated. I am very proud of how they have responded. And I must say, I am pretty proud of how I have responded as well.
Tonight I believe I will sleep pretty soundly. I have done all I could do. Now we just have to hope and pray for Zach's Mom and Dad and their process of remembering their great son. We are all going to miss him so very much.
